Somewhat recently, I wrote an article about some of the silliest and most outlandish Cosmo Magazine sex tips for women. Some of their suggestions are so completely out of left field I questioned whether anyone in their right mind would ever try them. As a follow up I decided to do some research for some outlandish sex tips for men. Needless to say, there’s a huge amount of dumb advice for both genders. Once again, I turned to the people at Nerve, who have done a thorough job of collecting some of the strangest tidbits of advice from men’s interest magazines. Here are some of the zanier ones:
“If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”
I would honestly die if the man I was with slobbered all over my palm out in public (or in private). I can’t think of something unsexier: even if I happened to be extremely turned on, chances are I would still wipe his spit off on my skirt. Besides, you don’t know where my hands have been.
Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”
My pearls, if I could afford to have a pearl necklace that is, are not going anywhere near your dick. On top of that, there’s no way I’m covering them with a bunch of lube and potentially ruining them. Maybe this tip is written for millionaires or for Marge Simpson who have an endless supply of expensive jewellery they can use for foreplay – how about I just use my hand instead?
“Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.”
This tip seems like it was written by someone who has never kissed before, and who’s idea of kissing is informed by porn movies. The name ‘facial intercourse’ is also extremely stupid. This is a textbook example on how NOT to kiss someone and I pray for the poor soul who has attempted to ‘dart’ their tongue in and out of their partners mouth. It just sounds gross!
“Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay… when you do them, that is.”
Was this tip written in the 1940s? Is it from the script of an episode of Mad Men? What the hell? Clean up after yourself you lazy jerk.
“Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
Maybe I’m biased because I don’t really like Nutella in the first place – this just seems really sticky. Introducing food into sex is really funny to me. It seems to only exist for the purpose of writing sex advice articles in magazines – I’ve never heard of someone successfully introducing food into the bedroom. Nutella is really sticky and dense and will get chocolate stains everywhere. Also, this is the first time i’ve ever heard the word ‘chap,’ and for some reason it kinda weirds me out.
I’m at least thrilled to find out that it isn’t only women who are being horribly misled by sex tip columns. I imagine with a great deal of satisfaction a couple, the man having read sex tips from his health magazine, the woman from hers, fumbling through various weird, disgusting and impossible sex acts in an attempt to spice up their romance.
People, it’s not that difficult, is it?