Like many women, I read magazines like Cosmo and Elle. They’re great time wasters, what can I say?
When I read them, however, I am well aware that much of the information and advice that is being provided is complete bullshit. How else can you explain the totally ludicrous dating and relationship advice that they give? Most egregious is their irresponsible sex advice columns. When I say irresponsible, I don’t condemn these magazines in a really negative way: I know they need to fill pages and attract readership, and hey, sex DOES sell.
I really hope that nobody takes these sex tips at face value and actually tries to implement them in the bedroom. For every decent piece of sex advice that these magazines give, there are about 5 that either make absolutely no sense, are completely unrealistic, or seem wholly unenjoyable for both parties involved.
Nerve does a really thorough breakdown of some of the most ridiculous tips that can be found in Cosmo, but here I’ll highlight some of my absolute favorites:
“Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.”
Ouch. NO MAN I’VE EVER MET likes getting his penis slapped around like a pinata. Though maybe I’m just sheltered or something?
“Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”
OK, I’m not like, grossed out by feet or anything, but I’d rather not have my nipples all up on someone’s feet. That’s just not where they’re supposed to be.
16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Hopefully my nipples don’t need gritty rhinestones to be attention-grabbing. Also what’s the guy supposed to do with them if they have little pebbles and glue all over them?
ABOVE: She’s getting all hot and bothered thinking about the rhinestones she will later apply to her nipples, probably.
36. “Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.”
I’m all for introducing toys into the equation, but I don’t think it needs to be a game of hide and seek.
29. “When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
If something as cheesy as the above ever comes out of my mouth, please just kill me on the spot.
These are obviously some of the more ridiculous sex tips that Nerve could find, but their insanity-level is so off the charts. It needs to be pointed out that I, and I feel like most normal women, would never even consider doing any of the above.
These are mostly just light, harmless, and fun suggestions – but they also breed unrealistic sexual expectations in women. I feel bad for the person who actually tries to bust out these moves in the heat of the moment, and promptly gets laughed at by their lover. Maybe a good ice-breaker if you’re nervous in the bedroom?
What about you? Have you ever taken sex advice out of one of these magazines and successfully applied them to your sex life?
NOT ME. I’m always fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out which boob is left and which boob is right, so I don’t have the time to plan out an elaborate sex move. I would definitely mess it up big time and end up seriously injuring my partner.